Nothing much I can say about what I am thinking. My mind is empty. Relationship, personal finance, spiritual life, and all seem to be satisfactory. Bible study remains the daily routine that I am consistently doing. If there is anything that I am not doing up to speed, it seems to be the future plan. Should I be doing some planning for my future? Am I prepared to answer some tough questions, such as that when I am heading back to Vancouver?

The discussion of Luke 7:36-50 and Psalms 51:4 between Cos and I has been going on for weeks.

I met this Christian, Cos, through the “Friends of the Nazarene” email list, which is founded by a Unitarian, Mark Miller. Cos is a Trinitarian. He was asked to leave the email group for Cos intend to discuss Trinity. I am a Trinitarian skeptic. I started to have email correspondence discussing what he thought be the biblical proof of Trinity. I even have set up a webpage to continue the discussion with him. During the course of discussion, I have gained more understanding why people believe in Trinity. I feel that this doctrine of the mainstream Christianity has been the most if not totally disturbing doctrine. I have a hard time dealing with. The argument or so-called proof behind the doctrine hasn’t been satisfactory.

I was somehow emotionally disturbed by the argument that Cos was offering. I reflected for days and nights because I was disturbed. I was warned by Cos that it was the reluctance to believe Trinity being the truth disturbed me. However, I could not agree after some soul search. After some more reasoning on papers, I found that it is his circular reasoning that has caused the problem. His argument is spurious.

It is lame to comment as such that [carol] is still well alive in my mind. What is the use? Am I just eager to please myself that I am a good lover that I could love so long that even after some years have past that I am still having that feeling for someone? Thinking of this makes me worry about if I was being boastful of myself. The very thought of carol is a distant past. The happy memory lingers. The sentiment caused by arguments and the sometimes intolerance of each other’s characters still contribute to my refraining from the notion of reconciliation. I consider this is good. Not necessarily a good way of dealing with my past, but as least this thought of mind does the job of holding me back from having any action towards pursuing carol. She is not suitable for me.

Well... well... well... SL and I are still together. Time flies. Time flies like an arrow. I am still with SL. Do I miss carol? Yes, I thought about her often. Indeed, she is definitely someone I can't simply put out of my system. She is still well alive in my mind. More be told. Anyhow, I am excited about the up-and-running again of my blogging! Woo!!

This website is up and running again!!! I am thrilled! I fixed the blogging template bug!

SL: i felt thankful for the time we had together. but now, all i can think of is the possible separation we are going to face when i leave hong kong. the unpleasant feeling you have is only going to escalate after i leave. furthermore, i find no good way out of the unstable state i am in. i love who i am more than i love you. i hate the the notion of changing myself for you. i hate the notion of dropping my original plan for someone like you. maybe it is because i have not love you much enough. maybe it is my arrogant being. maybe i am too idealistic. maybe i am too demanding. maybe i am just an idiot. i have no confidence in you that you are going to accept my kind of mental state in the foreseeable future. i foretell that you are going to leave me for who i really am. painful as it can be for we are so happy together, i am going to kindly ask you to leave me now if you may. i know it may not be easy but it is better than dragging on and on and have further discussion about this topic. i am still mentally too young for committing the kind of relationship or marriage that you hope to have. we do not have the same vision for marriage. i was trying to convince you this morning. i was trying to convert your vision to mine. i hated myself when i find out later that i had done that. it was not good. i hated myself. it was a dangerous act. it was a dangerous relationship we are in. it is a even more dangerous relationship to continue consider the age you are now. i can certainly tell from this morning's conversation that you are no difference from all the other girlfriends that i have dated before in terms of the vision of marriage. i was hopping that you were heaven sent and you were different. but after all, simply you are not. you are just as normal and as simple as all the others. i should have known better. i felt sorry that i have mislead myself, and in turn, have mislead you that our relationship may work fine. i am afraid. i am very afraid. i am not going to risk breaking my self-esteem to be with you any longer and to be eventually dumped by you. women are cool-blooded relationship killer when they could see no joyful future. i would have thought that you are no ordinary girl, but i was wrong. i was very wrong. i am going to remind myself everyday ever after that every women are as ordinary as they can be and they all want the same kind of ordinary men as their husbands or as their life companions. i am no extraordinary man but i am certainly not one of those ordinary men who practice ordinary life. and i have no plan to become one any time soon. therefore, i will not have any further date or relationship until i am sure i may become one of those ordinary men. sorry that i have started our relationship in the first place. sorry for everything. sorry. i treasure you. i treasure you as hard as i can. i hate to break your heart. i hope you may read carefully of what i have written and consider this a peaceful separation that may eventually benefit us both. i hate to break my own heart, too. therefore, rather than letting you breaking my heart one day suddenly later, i would rather break my own heart when i am fully prepared. i mean now. my heart is broken and is shattered. i will find my own way to glue it back. --eric

Little mic is everywhere.

The SWJ business seems going okay. Macau SIA project seems having lots of trouble. Collection of the last 2 payment seems at stake. TL got the deal from Japan. Got this news yesterday. Went to a great concert organized by Hong Kong Association of Christian Music Ministry Ltd. (ACM) with SL. Our relationship seems going okay. I have my doubt if she's the one for good. Yeah... I had my doubt. But do I still have the doubt? I do. I do. I am not sure how long this relationship may last. Father has come to stay with me for a few days. He found the SWJ highly intriguing.

I wonder how long shall my relationship with SL will last. The fire is burning for sure. But how long will it burn? Ohm... I am happy though I am not sure. I am satisfied though I am not certain. Oddly, I consider this a very good feeling. Happy but somehow not afraid to lose. However, from time to time, I get afraid of losing her. well well well... I need to get some more rest since my working hours now are not normal at all.

Today is a suitable time to blog. Today is carol's birthday. 7 July is her birthday. I am writing here to commemorate the several birthday I spend with carol. I have forgotten most, well... as a matter of fact, all of the things that carol and I did together on her birthday. I attended Andrew's wedding ceremony with Shirley today with other b/s in Christ. Andrew is a brother in Christ who has acted as a mentor to our fellowship. He is leaving for Malaysia with his wife. I heard he is going to live there for good and to spread the gospel there on behalf of Alliance Church. Shirley and I have been dated for over 2 months now. I am getting a bit of a hiccup myself after 3 things:

1. I saw Minority Report alone on 4th of July. When I was on the phone with Shirley that night, she showed some sentiment regarding that I had not watched that movie with her. Oddly enough, I felt a little guilty about it, too. This is probably the first thing that triggered my series of reflection.

2. I was talking to mother on the phone yesterday and she told me about TL's new gf spending her vacation in Vancouver this week. TL's new gf was considering about moving to Vancouver to stay with TL. TL is a 30+ guy. His gf, too. They are considering things probably a little bit differently from my age group of people, which is around 25-30. I do not know how I felt about this all yet. But I felt there is something on my mind that I do not know how to express it yet. It is something... well... in short, this is the 2nd thing that trigged my series of reflection.

3. Last but not least, it is carol's birthday. I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming when I was celebrating my birthday on 26 June last month with Shirley on Hong Kong Gold Coast Hotel. We spend 2 days there to enjoy the summer heat and the coastal beach. It was damn hot those 2 days! Sunshine was great though. That's probably a long drag for me to experience the almost 2 long weeks of the period between my birthday and carol's birthday. From 26 June to 7 July, I kept suppressing any thought that would make me less than happy. I loved Shirley and I loved her. I loved her and that's the end of it. Or is it the end of it? Or do I still have to deal with my past? Am I the kind of the person that is so fucking sick that even simple questions as these I could not answer myself with a quick and clean response? Well, I think to myself now that I am exactly the kind of fucking sick person! I am sick. Oh... fuck.

Okay, now. The thing about carol is a blur mix of happy and sad memories. I didn't even remember what I was supposed to remember. The memory was fading fast throughout the last half a year. You know anything about half-life? It was supposed to be some chemistry stuff, right? Well, my memory about carol is like half-life stuff. Fading real quickly. I would have guessed that the memory of carol has pasted the half-life point so that it was fading really quickly. To certain point I thought it was gone with the fucking wind. But what now... see what I am sitting here writing what after almost a month of writing and blogging nothing for I was too happy enjoying my little honeymoon relationship with Shirley. Damn... I am definitely a sick fucking bastard. Damn myself.

I think I need to do some praying. I do not have the humble heart to seek help from above yet, you know? That is really bad, I know. I know I am not trying to seek help yet. Blogging is a yell for help for sure but it is only a yell for me only. No one else even God can help me if I don't ask for help. What am I thinking, anyway? I know I am not in a good mood. Not a good mood at all.