I wonder how long shall my relationship with SL will last. The fire is burning for sure. But how long will it burn? Ohm... I am happy though I am not sure. I am satisfied though I am not certain. Oddly, I consider this a very good feeling. Happy but somehow not afraid to lose. However, from time to time, I get afraid of losing her. well well well... I need to get some more rest since my working hours now are not normal at all.

Today is a suitable time to blog. Today is carol's birthday. 7 July is her birthday. I am writing here to commemorate the several birthday I spend with carol. I have forgotten most, well... as a matter of fact, all of the things that carol and I did together on her birthday. I attended Andrew's wedding ceremony with Shirley today with other b/s in Christ. Andrew is a brother in Christ who has acted as a mentor to our fellowship. He is leaving for Malaysia with his wife. I heard he is going to live there for good and to spread the gospel there on behalf of Alliance Church. Shirley and I have been dated for over 2 months now. I am getting a bit of a hiccup myself after 3 things:

1. I saw Minority Report alone on 4th of July. When I was on the phone with Shirley that night, she showed some sentiment regarding that I had not watched that movie with her. Oddly enough, I felt a little guilty about it, too. This is probably the first thing that triggered my series of reflection.

2. I was talking to mother on the phone yesterday and she told me about TL's new gf spending her vacation in Vancouver this week. TL's new gf was considering about moving to Vancouver to stay with TL. TL is a 30+ guy. His gf, too. They are considering things probably a little bit differently from my age group of people, which is around 25-30. I do not know how I felt about this all yet. But I felt there is something on my mind that I do not know how to express it yet. It is something... well... in short, this is the 2nd thing that trigged my series of reflection.

3. Last but not least, it is carol's birthday. I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming when I was celebrating my birthday on 26 June last month with Shirley on Hong Kong Gold Coast Hotel. We spend 2 days there to enjoy the summer heat and the coastal beach. It was damn hot those 2 days! Sunshine was great though. That's probably a long drag for me to experience the almost 2 long weeks of the period between my birthday and carol's birthday. From 26 June to 7 July, I kept suppressing any thought that would make me less than happy. I loved Shirley and I loved her. I loved her and that's the end of it. Or is it the end of it? Or do I still have to deal with my past? Am I the kind of the person that is so fucking sick that even simple questions as these I could not answer myself with a quick and clean response? Well, I think to myself now that I am exactly the kind of fucking sick person! I am sick. Oh... fuck.

Okay, now. The thing about carol is a blur mix of happy and sad memories. I didn't even remember what I was supposed to remember. The memory was fading fast throughout the last half a year. You know anything about half-life? It was supposed to be some chemistry stuff, right? Well, my memory about carol is like half-life stuff. Fading real quickly. I would have guessed that the memory of carol has pasted the half-life point so that it was fading really quickly. To certain point I thought it was gone with the fucking wind. But what now... see what I am sitting here writing what after almost a month of writing and blogging nothing for I was too happy enjoying my little honeymoon relationship with Shirley. Damn... I am definitely a sick fucking bastard. Damn myself.

I think I need to do some praying. I do not have the humble heart to seek help from above yet, you know? That is really bad, I know. I know I am not trying to seek help yet. Blogging is a yell for help for sure but it is only a yell for me only. No one else even God can help me if I don't ask for help. What am I thinking, anyway? I know I am not in a good mood. Not a good mood at all.