It's just the perfect moment that SHOUTcast's M O S T L Y - C L A S S I C A L Channel played the Beethoven's Mondschein Sonate (Moonlight Sonata) when I am emotionally devastated at the least expected moment. I met SL today for dinner. I started to talk about marriage. Yeah... I talked about it again. Why I always talked about it? God knows why! I don't have a clue why I want to get married this early. The reason I was devastated is because SL has not yet built up the courage to marry to me. I thought it would be easier than that. I expected wrong. Yeah... I was having expectation. I didn't even realize when I was talking about the marriage thing until she reacted with less than positive response. I hate myself talking about this. The feeling of making a wrong move pissed me off. The feeling of out of control made me mad. The feeling of expecting the unexpected frightened me. The "down" emotion lingers. I am glad that when I was finally home, the Internet radio is airing the Moonlight Sonata, my favourite "down" time music. It meditates my feeling. It transcends my emotion. I am feeling a bit better now. SL suggested that we pray together. I refused. I was not ready to face God. I was too ashamed to face God. I need some time along to face my problem first before I can face God.
The silver curtains are installed today. The sound equipment is perfect. SL came to my home today after work before we went out for dinner. I played her some of my favourite music pieces. I told her that my mother liked George Michael. I played her the Last Christmas. Yeah... I shall listen to this piece of music again now...

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

This sounds right. I was too eager to give my heart to someone. Maybe just anyone. I thought the someone was carol, I thought the someone was #3, and now I thought the someone was SL. There were too much "Last Christmas" for me to deal with as cheerfully as in the lyric of the song may manage. I am not sure how I may face SL tomorrow. I don't know how I may face God. I was thinking I shall call Maggie or Andrew or Brian to talk it over. I was just thinking anyway. The feeling of weakness exposure made me even weaker. I dare not to speak to anyone at this moment, even to God. I've been out of this self-conscious "thing" for don't even remember how long! And it's coming back to haunt me! There's a word for my feeling - scary.